Ironic,I was having a conversation with my daughter about being a proud,confident,strong and responsible female. She began talking about a friend of hers who uses an illness, or family loss or some life struggle to "make people do things for him, or to get him out of gym class or something". I shared with her about a gal I know who is "sick" three weeks out of four, with her "monthly". She takes to her bed with the PMS, then she's got her "cycle", then she's "post"-drained from the week before. If we are all lucky, she might have one "good" week when she can be contacted to try meet ups, etc. This "illness"x 3weeks absolves her of all responsibilities. She can lay around all month, then just pop up whenever she feels like it.Can't count on her for help with projects or to be available for anything!My message to my daughter was this: "never play the victim;sending the message you want people to feel sorry for you, is giving away your power. It's much easier to fall down, than it is to get back up again; it's easier to quit than to keep moving forward.
Another person in our life has been on disability for over 20 years-not because of an injury or work related accident, because of chemical dependency/depression. I am completely & truly
sympathetic to mental illness and the toll it takes on an individual or family. It takes character and integrity to assume responsibility for your place in life.It takes drive,commitment,humility & the ability to assume ownership for one's struggles. How many people play the "blame game"-and "you owe me"/ "I deserve..."? How about instead looking inside ,examining what led you to this place,accepting your part in the matter,then determine what you need to do to get on with things, moving forward. If a person chews on a perceived slight, some harm that's been done to them, some relationship that didn't last, anything they think they should have or should have received-that slight,harm,lost relationship,or unfulfilled need will become an angry festering sore in the soul.
This festering sore, grows and becomes the "problem".The "problem" then colors self image,
life outlook and possibilities for the future. "If I weren't abused as a child...or If my Mom would have been home more...or if my first boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on me....If my boss would have given me that promotion...if I had kids that respected me...If I would have been able to have children...since i was adopted, I never knew my parents,that's why I am bitter... etc,etc." People tend to see themselves through the filter of the "problem". Not coincidentally, if one focuses on the "problem" the problem gets bigger, and bigger! If a person focuses on the solution,the problem goes away! Really! It's not always easy, it's not always fun. But over time and with practice it beomes easier. The answers come quicker. The choices are more rewarding. Your options increase exponentially. No more will the past, or victim mentality cloud one's vision. It's like an anchor,get it off your neck and you will rise to the top.Try it,believe it, live it!
Bitterness by any other name…
Published by Molly Friesen under Forgiveness
I’m preparing for some teaching next week and came across some quotes that a colleague had pulled from Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s book Choosing Forgiveness. She has some really powerful statements on unforgiveness and bitterness:
In our therapeutic culture, it’s widely acceptable to acknowledge that we’ve been “hurt” or “wounded” — words that focus on the wrong that has been done to us. But it’s a lot harder to admit that we’ve let that hurt escalate (or descend, to use a better word) into unforgiveness or bitterness — which puts responsibility on our shoulders. Our society has become so riddled with rancor and bitterness we almost consider it a normal response to life. Every day in America, tends of thousands of new lawsuits are filed — millions a year! And those who don’t let their bitterness lead them into litigation or erupt into violent crimes and addictions are often saddled with more subtle forms of expression: silent distrust, insecurity,illogical fears, sullen indifference, compulsive agitation and restlessness. (Choosing Forgiveness, p. 57)
Wow! And then she gives a list of diagnostic questions to help us see if we are harboring bitterness without even realizing it. See if you relate to any of these statements:
**I often replay in my mind the incident(s) that hurt me.
**When I think of a particular person or situation, I still feel angry.
**I try hard not to think about the person, event, or circumstance that caused me so much pain.
**I have a subtle, sweet desire to see this person pay for what he or she did to me.
**Deep in my heart, I wouldn’t mind if something bad happened to the person(s) who hurt me.
**I often find myself telling others how this person has hurt me.
**A lot of my conversations revolve around this situation.
**Whenever his or her name comes up, I am more likely to say something negative than something positive about him or her.(page 58)
I find this to be a really helpful list for identifying where I may be harboring unforgiveness or bitterness and not even be aware of it. But let’s not leave off on the bad news; read this final word of encouragement from Nancy:
The cure for bitterness is to trust both His hand and His heart and to “draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that [you] may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16 NASB). Yes, grace is there, because He is there. (page 80)
